This entry will focus on one particular type of Vancouver driver: the lesser Self-absorbed Yuppie Prick. It will attempt to first identify, and then quantify the magnitude of their idiocy.
The first step in identification is ascertaining that the asshole in question is driving a luxury car. Luxury shall be defined as costing over $30,000 without providing any significant additional utility beyond status (a bus, for example, might cost more than $30,000, but provides significant utility). Sport “utility” vehicles do not present significant utility, as 1) they are available for under $30,000 and 2) you don’t need a Hummer to drop your kids off at school and drive to your boring job in the city. The purpose of this luxury car can be many-fold, but most reasons revolve around shoring up a nagging feeling of inadequacy. The luxury car is intended as a symbol both to others and self that the person must be adequate and even important. Otherwise, how else could they afford (on credit, of course) such an expensive car?
Once it has been confirmed that the car is “luxury”, a second condition must be met: selfish driving actions which may present danger to surrounding people. The driver may take such actions as: 1) excessively weaving between lanes in a vain attempt to arrive at a destination two minutes sooner, 2) driving in HOV, bicycle, or bus lanes, 3) talking on a cell phone while driving, and 4) excessive use of horn. These behaviors are exhibited to demonstrate to surrounding motorists, cyclists, and pedestrians that the driver in question is more important than them, and that they should yield (and perhaps bow) to them.
Note that these driving behaviors may also be replicated by the Greater Asshole Redneck, but can be differentiated by the presence of a pick-up bed, dual rear tires, elevated suspension in the Asshole Redneck. The underlying motives for such displays are similar (inadequacy), but outward appearance is significant enough to warrant special differentiation.
It is also important to note that not all luxury brand car drivers may be identified as Yuppie Pricks. Older models may be driven by non-yuppie and/or non-pricks. A useful rule is the “Douchiness Half-life Equation”:
D = Do*0.5^(-T/To)
where D is Douchiness, Do is a state known as “Total Douche”, T is the age of the car in question, and To is approximately 4 years.
Thus, for someone driving a brand new luxury car, T = 0 and D = Do, making them a Total Douche. However, if the car is 20 years old, T = 20, and D = Do/32, making them only a 3% douche, a statistically insignificant quantity.
Upon seeing the Self-absorbed Yuppie Prick, it is advised not to attempt close pursuit. Simply follow behind at a safe distance until they reach their destination (probably on the West Side). Don’t worry, you won’t lose them, because for all their evasive maneuvers, they will still get stuck at the same lights as everyone else. After they have molted and left their shell parked, key their car, and leave a note explaining, “This is because you suck.”
