This entry will focus on one particular type of Vancouver driver: the lesser Self-absorbed Yuppie Prick. It will attempt to first identify, and then quantify the magnitude of their idiocy.

The first step in identification is ascertaining that the asshole in question is driving a luxury car. Luxury shall be defined as costing over $30,000 without providing any significant additional utility beyond status (a bus, for example, might cost more than $30,000, but provides significant utility). Sport “utility” vehicles do not present significant utility, as 1) they are available for under $30,000 and 2) you don’t need a Hummer to drop your kids off at school and drive to your boring job in the city. The purpose of this luxury car can be many-fold, but most reasons revolve around shoring up a nagging feeling of inadequacy. The luxury car is intended as a symbol both to others and self that the person must be adequate and even important. Otherwise, how else could they afford (on credit, of course) such an expensive car?

Once it has been confirmed that the car is “luxury”, a second condition must be met: selfish driving actions which may present danger to surrounding people. The driver may take such actions as: 1) excessively weaving between lanes in a vain attempt to arrive at a destination two minutes sooner, 2) driving in HOV, bicycle, or bus lanes, 3) talking on a cell phone while driving, and 4) excessive use of horn. These behaviors are exhibited to demonstrate to surrounding motorists, cyclists, and pedestrians that the driver in question is more important than them, and that they should yield (and perhaps bow) to them.

Note that these driving behaviors may also be replicated by the Greater Asshole Redneck, but can be differentiated by the presence of a pick-up bed, dual rear tires, elevated suspension in the Asshole Redneck. The underlying motives for such displays are similar (inadequacy), but outward appearance is significant enough to warrant special differentiation.

It is also important to note that not all luxury brand car drivers may be identified as Yuppie Pricks. Older models may be driven by non-yuppie and/or non-pricks. A useful rule is the “Douchiness Half-life Equation”:

D = Do*0.5^(-T/To)
where D is Douchiness, Do is a state known as “Total Douche”, T is the age of the car in question, and To is approximately 4 years.

Thus, for someone driving a brand new luxury car, T = 0 and D = Do, making them a Total Douche. However, if the car is 20 years old, T = 20, and D = Do/32, making them only a 3% douche, a statistically insignificant quantity.

Upon seeing the Self-absorbed Yuppie Prick, it is advised not to attempt close pursuit. Simply follow behind at a safe distance until they reach their destination (probably on the West Side). Don’t worry, you won’t lose them, because for all their evasive maneuvers, they will still get stuck at the same lights as everyone else. After they have molted and left their shell parked, key their car, and leave a note explaining, “This is because you suck.”

Can Meat Eaters Also Be Environmentalists?

This is an interesting article. She assumes that as long as marginal land is used for meat production and that this land is not suitable for crop production then small scale farming of livestock is not necessarily unsustainable. This is a good point, but I feel she has simplified the issue. Marginal land is often land that was cleared for agriculture during European colonization and abandoned due to poor productivity. Putting this land back into pasture removes the potential for these sites to serve as the CO2 sinks they once were when they were forested hundreds of years ago. Preventing this land from being reclaimed by the forest lowers the CO2 sequestration potential of the land base. We have to make choices when it comes to our marginal land as it is increasingly being eyed by many industries. Should we let it be reforested to serve as a CO2 sink? What if it were to be reforested and we harvest the biomass off this land for energy production? Or perhaps this land can be used to sustain our insatiable desire for meat consumption. Seems to me that her same argument for sustainable meat production can be applied to sustainable crop production. Isn’t it more efficient to focus on reducing various GHG emissions associated with crop production and then allow marginal agricultural land to serve as a CO2 sink?

Anywho, back to work.

Being a Canadian living with Americans has been, at the very least, an interesting experience in self-reflection. While the bunch living at 4486 are certainly not your average Americans, they do still hold on to some very typical American attitudes and idiosyncrasies. One of which happens to be poking fun of habits, cultural differences, and regional accents of non-Americans (namely me). One of the things that we Canadians do is promote our own, often quasi-religiously. Now this is not atypical for most countries in the world; Americans refrain from this behaviour because of their global cultural dominance and because previous American administrations have turned the American passport into a liability. Anywho, this is getting off topic. The point is, when asked about Canadian cuisine, any good Canadian will inform the inquirer of one of our only truly Canadian dishes – Poutine. In reality, Canadian cuisine closely resembles that of our American neighbours. Of course there are regional specialities, but on the whole you could probably count the number of Canadian food items on one or two hands. So we are left with Poutine, a heart-clogging combination of cheese curds, gravy, and fries, often eaten late at night after the bars unleash there merry – and hungry – patrons onto the streets of entertainment districts across Canada. To put it in a few words, Poutine is far from a delicacy.

But, ladies and gentlemen, Poutine has risen from the ashes of its troubled past and is finally getting the respect it deserves. Poutine, much like its friends the hot dog, the hamburger, and the absurdly large t-bone steak, has moved into the upper echelons of global gastronomic events: the eating contest. The event, a debut for Poutine, was held in Toronto, and was sanctioned by Major League Eating, which claims to be the ‘governing body for stomach-centric sports.’ You can find the article detailing the event here.

Pat Bertoletti, a chef from Chicago, won the day. He ate 6 kilograms (13 pounds) of poutine in 10 minutes. That is equivalent, in mass, to 13 sticks of butter, and probably in caloric content. While this contest might not be on par with, say, the Bocuse d’Or, I think it is clear that Poutine has a bright future. Not convinced? Check out some of the photos below from the competition.

Strangely enough, I doubt Guillaume would approve.

Oh, and I guess I should note that an American was the victor in this competition. I’m actually OK with that.

We cook a lot, and all of us like cooking, so Michelle and I decided to preserve some of our favorites on the Tubes for all eternity.

MICHELLE’S HOT CEREAL MUFFINS

1 egg
1/2 c. sugar
1/3 c. butter
1 c. flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 c. hot cereal
1 1/4 c. buttermilk
1/3 c. cocoa powder (optional)
1/2 c. chocolate chips (optional but recommended!)

Oven at 400 F. Mix hot cereal with buttermilk, let stand for 10 min. Mix butter and sugar, then add egg. Add all dry ingredients and hot cereal/buttermilk
Bake in muffin tins for 15 minutes.

MICHELLE’S CRISP

Fruit
1/2 c. flour
1/4 c. sugar
1/4 c. brown sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/8 tsp salt
6 Tbsp butter
1/2 c. oats

Cut up a bunch of apples and/or berries. Add some sugar and lemon juice.
Mix up the crisp ingredients
Bake 30-40 min at 375

MICHELLE’S RIDICULOUSLY GOOD CREAM CHEESE BROWNIES

Brownie layer:
6 Tbsp butter
1 1/4 c. chocolate chips
2/3 c. sugar
2 eggs
1/2 c. flour
1 Tbsp cocoa powder
1/8 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla

Cream cheese layer:
8 oz cream cheese (can use 4 in a pinch)
1 egg yolk
5 Tbsp sugar
1/8 tsp vanilla

Oven to 350 F.
Melt butter and 2/3 of chocolate chips over heat until smooth. Remove from heat, beat in sugar then eggs. Add flour, cocoa powder, and salt, then vanilla and rest of chocolate chips. Spread in pan. Mix all cream cheese layer ingredients, layer on top, and smear around until pretty looking. Bake 35 min.

TIM’S HOT CHOCOLATE COCOA

1/3 c. cocoa
3/4 c. sugar
pinch salt
1/3 c. boiling water
3 1/2 c. milk
3/4 tsp vanilla
1/2 c. cream

Dissolve cocoa, sugar, and salt in boiling water. Add other ingredients and make it hot again.

JONATHAN’S SUPER EASY IRISH SODA BREAD

4 c. flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 3/4 c. (14 oz.) buttermilk (sometimes needs a bit more)

Oven at 425 F. Combine dry ingredients, add buttermilk and knead lightly. Put in pan (cast iron works well) and cut a 1/2 inch deep cross in the top. Cover pan and bake for 30 min. Uncover and bake for 15 more minutes. Too cool [sic... this will bother Jonathan for eternity!], cover with a tea towel and sprinkle with water.

SAM’S CASHEW LOAF

5 eggs (beaten)
4-6 Tbsp. butter
1-2 pints sliced mushrooms
3 c. cottage cheese
1/2 envelope dry onion soup mix
1-1 1/2 c. nuts (usually raw cashews, but roasted ones are ok too)
4 1/2 c. Special K or corn flakes
at least 1 1/2 c. shredded orange cheese

Saute mushrooms in butter until REALLY cooked (almost black). Mix everything together in a casserole dish. Bake at 350 for 40-45 minutes.

Gravy: mix in pan on stove equal parts butter and flour, add enough milk to have the right consistency, then add soy sauce to taste.

SAM’S VEGGIE DIP

16 oz. sour cream
1 package (10 oz?) frozen chopped spinach, defrosted and squeezed
1 package dry onion soup mix (roughly 3 oz?)
1/2 c. chopped green onions
1/2 c. chopped fresh parsley
1 c. mayonnaise
1 tsp. dill weed
1 tsp. garlic powder

Mix well and let sit in refrigerator for at least an hour. Serve with lots of chopped fresh vegetables.

SAM’S BUTTERMILK BROWNIES

Put into mixing bowl:
2 c. flour
2 c. sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda

Combine in small kettle, bring to boil while stirring:
1 stick butter (1/2 c.)
1/2 c. Ghirardelli Sweet Ground Chocolate (can substitute cocoa powder and a bit of sugar)
1/2 c. vegetable oil (or sub butter)

Pour boiling mixture over flour mixture and stir well.

Add in:
1/2 c. buttermilk
2 eggs, beaten
1 tsp. vanilla

Blend well, pour into greased & floured 11x16x1 inch pan. Bake 15 minutes at 365-375 (or longer if taller pan). Do not overcook!

Remove brownies from oven and ice immediately.

Icing: Bring to boil:
3/4 stick butter
3 Tbsp. buttermilk
6 Tbsp. sweet cocoa
(dash salt)
3/4 c. sugar
1 1/2 tsp vanilla

Spread icing over hot brownies. Allow to cool before cutting

After watching The Real Dirt on Farmer John, I thought I’d write down some of the more ridiculous biodynamic practices I’ve come across:

-Putting a tablespoon of powdered quartz into a cow’s horn, burying it for a season, diluting it about 20000:1 w/ water, and then spraying that over crops. Some refer to this as “fermenting” the quartz. Time to get drunk off the quartz! Some say that the quartz has piezoelectric properties which help the soil (and ignore the fact that sand is mostly quartz).

-Stuff yarrow blossoms into a red deer’s bladder, let it overwinter in the soil, and add a teaspoon to compost.

-Stuff chamomile into cattle small intestines, let overwinter, and add to compost

-Chopped oak bark is placed in the skull of a domesticated animal, surrounded by peat, and placed in a spot with high water flow.

-Dandelion flowers are put into a cattle peritoneum and overwintered and added to compost.

-Field mice can be controlled by spreading ashes from burnt field mice skins when Venus is in Scorpio.

-Weeds can be controlled by burning weed seeds, and mixing the ash with urine from a sterile cow (which has been exposed to the full moon for 6 hours).

- I’m just going to quote this next one directly (http://www.ibiblio.org/london/orgfarm/biodynamics/HughLovel-on-field-broadcasting):
Etheric field broadcasting grew out of the work of T. Galen Hieronymus who discovered that life forces, which are dynamic organizational patterns of energy, can be broadcast over large acreages with stationary, self-driven induction equipment. He called his invention a Cosmic Pipe.
(I really wish I were creative enough to make this shit up. Especially since a “field broadcaster” consists of PVC pipe, some diodes, and copper wire coils, and sells for $1000.)

Luckily, the core of biodynamic farming stresses the importance of taking care of the soil through composting and manuring, so biodynamic farming can basically be characterized as standard organic practices plus stuffing things into dead animal innards (so THAT’S how those pesky Satanism rumors got started…). It puts emphasis in the right place: close observation and keeping the land healthy; but in my opinion wastes effort (and money: http://www.biodynamics.net.au/farm_member_products.htm) on what basically amounts to superstition and ritual. It’s sort of a cross between a pyramid scheme and a cult: it’s really easy and cheap to produce most of the additives and gizmos, so if you act like you believe in it and encourage others to use it, you can potentially sell 100 grams of rotted horn and sand for $150.

I read an interesting post on Boingboing, which I’ll link at the bottom of this post, about this woman named Henrietta Lacks who died in the early 50s from Cervical Cancer. Her cells were taken as samples before and after her death and were the first human cells to be replicated in a lab. Her cells have become now widely distributed in the medical community, and have even taken on their own name, HeLa. Apparently, until recently, her family and descendants had no idea. The organization that distributes HeLa cells is a not-for-profit organization, but the cells themselves have led to innumerable medical breakthroughs throughout the second half of the twentieth century. The Boingboing post is on a new(?) book that discusses Henrietta’s family’s reaction to this understandably shocking news and adds a human twist to the story. The comments on the Boingboing post are definitely worth reading as well.

What are your thoughts?

If you want to know what I think, check the comments on the Boingboing post. I’m Ozzzzzz (should be comment #27, though they insert the anonymous comments in after moderating them, so the non-anonymous posts always get bumped down after the fact).

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks

WOOOOO!

sorry your day had some kinks in it

on an unrelated note, i found this crazy article about lizard people that live under LA. i propose that we look for them while we’re there

CRAZY LIZARD PEOPLE LIVING UNDER LA!!

tim, steven and i tried to get this to work just a bit ago, but we didn’t have any toothpicks. it’s a cool idea though, and i’d like to try it sometime when we do have toothpicks

here’s wade davis’s TED talk from 2003 about disappearing cultures. it’s long, but it’s completely worth it. don’t miss the shit knife story at the end